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AN UNHAPPY CONSCIENCE!
I cheated on my husband and I don’t know what I’m going to do!
My feelings were all over the map. I felt that I had lost something important by being with Phil. I drew the line at staying overnight with him in his room – that was an intimacy that I would only ever share with my husband Don. That intimacy is the most precious thing in my relationship with Don.
I knew that Don had had two affairs; two affairs that he would never confess to. That had really hurt me. The first one, while I was pregnant with our daughter Sarah, happened at a bachelor party with some of the guys where he works. And doing this while I was seven months pregnant put it over the top in how much he hurt me!
You could see his guilt on his face. I thought about confronting him to make him admit this guilt (and apologize), but it seemed important to me for him to confess on his own. He never came to me to talk about it and this refusal to be honest almost broke up our marriage. I finally forgave him because he was so good with the kids, and I did love the intimate sharing in the bedroom, not so much the sex (it was okay), but the talking together at the end of the day, sharing time, cuddling together at night. Even just reaching in the dark for a touch, a reassurance that my partner was there.
The second time was about five years ago with a divorcee living next door to us. She was younger and it certainly looked like Don found her attractive. She was moving away for a new job and was having a goodbye party. Well, the short story is that Don was seen coming out of her bedroom just before she did. When she came out a neighbor who saw her said her clothes and hair were mussed up.
This time I did talk to Don about it, in fact I came right out and asked him if he had had sex with her! He denied it, but he seemed to me to be a little hesitant and nervous when he said that. Again he refused to admit his obvious guilt and apologize to me. Things were kind of cold around the house and Don made extra efforts to be loving and helpful. I hated his not being honest with me, and while I never forgave him, I did finally let it go and we moved on.
Now I had cheated on him. I really felt mixed up. While I just had some really hot sex with Phil, hotter that anything I had ever done with Don, I had refused to sleep with him. I guess if Don had not been unfaithful to me those two times I would be feeling a lot worse than I was. The more I thought about it I started getting mad at Don, like it was his fault I had cheated! And maybe it was, maybe if I had not had that underlying resentment towards my husband I would have been stronger.
I had to decide what I was going to do now. It was only Wednesday night and the conference was not over until Friday noon. I thought about just leaving early in the morning, but that would probably raise a lot of questions. I decided to take a shower and go to bed and face things tomorrow.
After the shower I felt more relaxed and went on to bed. Surprisingly, I fell asleep immediately.
A couple of hours later I felt really thirsty, so I got up and drank a glass of water. Now I had trouble getting back to sleep. I lay there tossing for a while then I started thinking about the time with Phil. As I said, the intercourse part was okay, but nothing special. His oral sex techniques were fantastic though! I had never had orgasms like those! I felt myself getting wet just thinking about it, so I put my hand down and started rubbing my sex. At first I was sliding my fingers up and down my slit, slowly, getting wetter all the time.
My mind slipped sideways to last night when the group was sitting around talking about how they changed partners every year. Suddenly I had an image of Sam with his head between my legs. I grabbed my clit and rubbed furiously and exploded with an orgasm even larger that the ones with Phil. Now I felt really guilty and lay there for hours, futility trying not to think about the conference sex group and having a different partner every year. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t think about Don the rest of the night!
MORE CAUSE FOR GUILT
I woke up in the morning realizing that I couldn’t walk out. I did decide to eat my breakfast by myself instead of with the group. As I sat with the coffee on the table and my head in my hands, I looked up and saw my boss, Frank walking towards me. I couldn’t face him now so I grabbed my coffee, jumped up, and ran over to the table where our group had been sitting all week. I had noticed them glancing at me earlier. When I sat down I was in somewhat of a panic, but several of them just murmured “good morning” and not much was said the rest of the meal. When they started getting up I did also and walked quickly back to my room.
The rest of the day I wandered around in somewhat of a daze, going to a couple conferences, looking at the exhibits, but if someone had asked me at the end of the day I wouldn’t have been able to tell them much of what I’d done. I do remember Don calling a little after lunch and asking if I was all right and that he had called last night but didn’t leave a message. He was afraid I might have been asleep. I blurted that I had gone to dinner with the group and he seemed to accept that. We chatted for a minute more and said goodbye.
After all the conference business was over for the day, I went to my room, napped for a couple of hours and then called down to have dinner sent up. I have no idea what I had ordered; I just ate. I had avoided both the group and Frank all day. I did notice him watching closely several times.
About ten, I was mindlessly watching TV when there was a knock on the door. Without thinking I opened the door and stared at Phil. He looked at me for a minute and quietly asked if he could come in and talk to me for a minute. I stood there with a blank look on my face and didn’t say anything. After a bit he walked in and sat on the sofa.
Looking at him I closed the door and walked over, standing in front of him. “Phil, what… what do you want to talk about?”
“I talked to the others in the group over dinner, and we really feel bad. You were clearly feeling guilty about having sex with me last night. Then we all talked about our annual little sex club you seemed even more upset and asked some hard questions. Hell, you made me really think when you asked how I would feel if my wife found out about our activities.”
As Phil continued, I moved over to the edge of the bed and sit down.
“We talked about our spouses and we were all concerned that we might be found out. On the other hand we agreed there was little chance of that happening, and with the rules we have we decided we want to continue. I’m sorry we brought you into this, it doesn’t seem to be what you want.”
“Marge, there is one other thing,” he added as I sat nervously twisting my hands on my lap, “I told you about my nominating you for the Competition Committee. Well, this afternoon you were voted in. I’ll go talk to Joe, the head guy in the morning and have your name taken off. Again I’m sorry for the problems I’ve caused you.”
I stared at him again. My emotions were all over the map. Here was a chance for me to go home and pretend nothing happened. Then I had the sudden, almost painfully erotic image from last night of Sam with his head between my legs.
Phil stood up and started to walk to the door.
I stood up with him and suddenly blurted “Phil! Wait, wait a minute. Please don’t leave yet.”
With that I started walking towards the bathroom, dropping my robe off my shoulders as I walked. I stopped in the doorway, turned to Phil and looked at him for a long minute. I said “Phil…” paused for a little and pulled my nightgown over my head a stood there for a brief moment more. I turned and walked over to the shower and stepped in. As I adjusted the temperature, I couldn’t look to see if Phil had left, I just stood there with the water streaming down my face.
I heard the shower door open, still not moving, and felt Phil’s arms wrap around me. Yes, we made love in the shower. Yes, we went to the bed and shared some incredible oral sex. Yes, he fucked me! And goddamn it, Phil stayed the night in my bed!
HOME FROM THE CONFERENCE
The next afternoon as I started the two-hour drive home, I had a chance to reflect on all that had happened over the week of the conference. This morning I did accept being part of the competition committee. This actually was a good thing for my career and would give me a chance to come to the conference every year without having Frank involved in it. Not that I had decided to come to the conference next year, and not that I had decided to be part of the little sex group.
I vacillated all the way home about telling Don what had happened and having it out in the open. I finally decided to let everything slide and not make any quick decisions. One thing I knew was that I was going to make Don admit his affairs before I went to the conference again. Then I could decide what to do.
When I got home Don didn’t seem suspicious at all. We had our usual sex that night, nice, but no fireworks, but sharing the intimacy we usually enjoyed. After he fell asleep, I snuggled up to him, feeling safe, warm and knowing that I really loved my husband. As I drifted off myself I did feel regret about letting Phil stay in my room that last night.
Things continued on like before the conference. Some days I felt guilty about what had happened. Other days I would remember the intense orgasms from Phil’s oral ministrations and would feel nervous and jittery for a time. Gradually with the day-to-day stuff: work, kids the house, everything, it all slipped into the background.
I expected some problems with Frank, but he never bothered me at all. He didn’t say anything at all about the Competition Committee, which I thought was a little strange. He did seem to be looking at me all too frequently, but I had so much on my mind I didn’t think too much about it.
The school year dragged on, seemingly forever, my life seemed in stasis. Finally it was over and things seemed better with our usual harried summer activities. This year we had worked it out to have a three-week vacation with the kids.
We went to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area for a week. We had two, two person canoes, Don and I in one and the kids in the other. It was wonderful fun. We would go down long, narrow lakes and do a short portage to the next one. I seemed to let Don do more that his fair share of paddling. The kids were great! Since were both always doing one sport or another (and since they were teenagers) they could go all day. They were constantly taking little side trips.
We packed all our food in, but it seemed we had fresh caught fish for breakfast and dinner every day! We were all tired at night and some evenings it was hard to stay awake to finish eating.
With the kids so close every day our sex life suffered, but it was still nice. We would cuddle up with our sleeping bags zipped together and hold each other. That was okay, but I was hungering for more. It was hard to get really clean, so by the end of the week we were ready for civilization again.
After that we flew on to the Lodge in Banff for two weeks. It was an absolutely beautiful place. Don had been here several times with his dad, but the rest of us had never been there.
There was just so much to do! There were hikes of all types. Don and Brad even did a little mountain climbing. Don is a wonderful teacher. Sometimes I think he was born a couple of hundred years too late. He should have been a mountain man, trapping for fur and wrestling grizzlies.
What was really nice was to go out horseback riding or whatever and coming back to a hot shower and a soft bed. The restaurant had very nice meals with a good wine list. All of us enjoyed that trip as much as any we had ever had.
A real plus for Don and I was more opportunity for sex! There was so much for the kids to do, like one evening going on a hayride and eating around a campfire. We must have been in bed five minutes after they left.
I was becoming more aggressive in our sex. Where before I would just take him in my mouth to get him hard, now I would keep at it until he exploded in my mouth. At first he would try to pull out, but it didn’t take him long to find that he really enjoyed it… especially when he would cum in my mouth. I made him do the same for me. When he was down between my legs and tried to get up, I would pull his head back down. He began to understand that I needed more, and over time he was giving me some good oral orgasms – not like Phil, but it was still really good.
The summer drew to a close and the kids and I got back into our school mode. What with the teaching and coaching I was terribly busy, particularly since Don got home so late and I also had to ferry the kids to practices and games. Sarah was getting more and more wrapped up in gymnastics, and this called for some out of town trips for competitions. I carpooled kids with several of the other moms, but it was still a frantic year.
Through the fall it seemed some of the closeness between Don and I that we had gained during the summer was slipping away. The sex itself was actually still improving, but was only happening three or four times a month. During the Christmas break things picked up wonderfully. The kids were gone all the time with parties and sleepovers with friends. We had more time together than we had had for years.
During that period it seemed like we were making love everyday and several times more than one a day. For the first time in our marriage I was having more that one orgasm. It was wonderful and I felt closer to Don than ever before!
It had to end though. School started up again and life was hellaciously busy. I did have a couple of Competition Committee meetings to attend. They were actually fun and with all the experience I had as a coach I was able to make some key contributions. I did see Phil at both of these meetings but either he was remembering the rules for the year-end conference sex group, or he knew I was still feeling kind of edgy about everything. We did have breakfast at one meeting and dinner at another. Nothing happened, we mostly talked about our families and got to know each other better. Of course, we were both aware of the rule about nothing out of line during the year between conferences.
Finally we were getting down to the end of the school year and time for the annual convention. I was becoming, and acting, nervous again. The sex between Don and I almost came to a stop. Don looked like he wanted to talk about it but he never did.
I was looking for an opportunity to talk to Don about his faithfulness, or rather, his unfaithfulness! The right opportunity never seemed to come up, but I was resolved to get this in the open before the convention. Finally, one evening we were watching a movie where the husband had an affair, and tried to hide it from the wife. The private detective the wife had hired told her that affairs always came out.
After the movie Don started to get up, but I stopped him.
“Don, we need to talk for a minute.”
“Meg, I’m really tired and I have to go to work early in the morning. Can’t this wait until tomorrow?”
This pissed me off. “No, god damn it, this won’t wait. We should have had this talk years ago. Look at me! I know that you have had at least two affairs and… no sit back down and let me finish. Twice you almost ended our marriage, I shouted at him!”
Shocked, he sat down looking stunned.
“Twice,” I continued, “All these years you think I’ve believed your lies. Now be a man! Stand up and tell the truth.”
“Meg, I have always been faithful to you. I …”
“I don’t want to hear any bullshit! Let me know when you want to talk.”
With that I stomped out of the room and went up to get ready for bed. I was in bed, all the way to the edge when Don came up. I could tell he was pissed off by the way he moved around. He wasn’t trying at all to be quiet. He didn’t say anything and neither did I. We both stayed as far apart as we could, all night.
The next morning, Don left before I got out of bed. Usually I make breakfast for him before he goes to work, but this morning I lay there, trying to pretend I was asleep. When I heard the garage door close, I went downstairs and into the kitchen. Everything was clean. He had not had breakfast, not even coffee.
It continued like that for two weeks, minimum conversation, a widening distance, and certainly no sex. Then it was time for me to go to the convention. I don’t know if Don forgot about it, but he didn’t say anything in the morning, not hello, not goodbye, just… nothing. It was Sunday, but he had gone in to work anyway.
I packed after breakfast, drove the kids over to moms for the day, and drove on to Little Falls to register and get checked in. I wasn’t the only one going from my school. My expenses we’re being paid by the State Athletic Association, so there was no problem with me going. Frank was going to be there because he went anywhere, anytime, if he was on expenses. He was bringing a new teacher that had started in the fall, Annie Marsh, who besides teaching Social Studies was also the girls swim coach. I guess she was his next project since I sure didn’t work out for him.
THE LAST CONFERENCE
I got to the conference and checked in; I was a little early but they took care of for me anyway. I went on up to my room and lay down for awhile, I guess I was so nervous I just wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep. Damn Don anyhow. If he had been honest with me, I would have told him of my slip. Now I was just confused.
A couple hours later I woke up feeling a little better. I went down and checked the message board; there was a note about the Competition Committee meeting for breakfast in the morning. I made a mental note of that and went to the bar to get a little “pick me up.” I saw Judy sitting there, so I said, “what the hell!” and sat down with her.
She looked over at the bartender holding her Margarita up in one hand and two fingers on the other hand.
“Marge, are you doing okay?”
“Yeah, I guess so. Don and I are having trouble and I just don’t know what the hell to do!”
Judy answered as she put her hand on mine, “Don’t worry about the group, we won’t put any pressure on you. Phil said he saw you a couple times at committee meetings. Listen, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, okay? If you want, you can just hang out with us like last year. You know we don’t do anything serious until the last two nights, so why don’t you relax and have a little fun. You look pretty down.”
“Yeah, Judy, I do feel low. I will see you guys at the wine and cheese thing a little later and we can catch up on what’s going on. I won’t be able to make breakfast, you know, one of those committee meetings.”
We had a couple of Margaritas, and things were looking better.
Later at the social, we did get together. Everyone was there, the girls, Judy, Dee Dee and Rachael, and the guys, Phil, Sam, Art and Wayne. I was standing next to Phil, I guess I felt closer to him, when Dee Dee gradually wedged herself between us. I was a little put out at first, then I was startled when I remembered that Phil had said that Dee Dee was the only one he had never linked up with. The rule about changing every year also came to mind.
I was feeling a little disappointed, I mean, I hadn’t exactly decided about what I was going to do, but thinking about the time with Phil last year was making me a little wet. Then Sam brought me a glass of wine and an assortment of cheese, and I started feeling better… and I had an erotic flash of memory of the mental image of Sam between my legs that had given me that totally intense orgasm.